The Truth About Habits, Mental Load, and Self-Care for Women | Monica Packer | ANEW Ep 84

We’re back with the second half of an eye-opening conversation that every woman needs to hear.

On this episode of the ANEW Insight Podcast, Dr. Supatra Tovar continues her powerful discussion with progress coach, podcaster, and recovering perfectionist Monica Packer. Together, they dig deeper into the hidden forces that keep women stuck in burnout, perfectionism, and inconsistent habits—starting with the truth about invisible labor and mental overload.

Monica introduces her life-changing framework, the Do Something List—a radical shift from pressure-filled goals and resolutions. Instead of chasing performance, this list helps women reconnect with themselves through low-pressure, joy-driven actions. It’s not about achievement. It’s about coming home to yourself.

She also shares her groundbreaking method, Sticky Habits—a flexible, compassionate approach to habit-building specifically designed for the real lives of women. Why don’t traditional habit strategies work for most of us? Because they ignore the emotional weight, time scarcity, and unpredictable schedules so many women juggle every day. Sticky Habits are different: they’re designed to work with your life—not against it.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why most New Year’s resolutions fail (and what works better)
• How to build habits that flex with your energy, schedule, and season of life
• What a baseline habit is—and how it helps you stay consistent, even on tough days
• How perfectionism disguises itself as laziness or procrastination
• What invisible labor really means, and how it drains women daily
• The power of the When-Then-After (WTA) method to reinforce sustainable routines
  
  

Monica and Dr. Tovar also dive into the deeper cultural expectations that push women to be everything to everyone—the perfect professional, the ideal partner, the never-faltering caregiver. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You’ll walk away from this episode with permission to let go of what’s not serving you, and the tools to build habits that support who you truly are.

Whether you’re a working mom, a student, a burned-out achiever, or simply tired of trying to keep up with it all—this episode will give you hope, relief, and a new path forward.

For more information about Monica Packer here are her social media link: https://www.aboutprogress.com/ , https://www.instagram.com/aboutprogress/?hl=en,  https://soundcloud.com/monica-packer,  https://www.amazon.com/shop/influencer-be77dd29 

💡 Ready to go deeper?

🎓 Take Monica’s free Do Something List training at aboutprogress.com/DSL
📘 Enroll in the Deprogram Diet Culture course at anew-i

Thank you for joining us on this journey to wellness. Remember, the insights and advice shared on the ANEW Body Insight Podcast are for educational and informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making any changes to your health routine. To learn more about the podcast and stay updated on new episodes, visit ANEW Body Insight Podcast at anew-insight.com. To watch this episode on YouTube, visit @my.anew.insight. Follow us on social media at @my.anew.insight on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Threads for more updates and insights. Thank you for tuning in! Stay connected with us for more empowering stories and expert guidance. Until next time, stay well and keep evolving with ANEW Body Insight!

Transcript

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:00

Welcome back to the ANEW Insight podcast. We are back for the second half of our interview with progress coach, podcaster and self proclaimed recovering perfectionist, Monica Packer. Monica gave us invaluable insight into her inspiration to recover from perfectionism and embrace balance. I cannot wait to pick her brain some more. Thank you. So when we left off, we had talked about the nature of perfectionism and then the development for you in terms of being in the middle ground of starting a Do Something List. And I think that there is so much value. In a Do Something List, but I think really clearly define that for our listeners so that they can then be inspired to make their own.

Monica Packer: 0:02

Whenever I teach this, um, and we do have a free training. So we'll make sure we share that at the end. One thing I like to really emphasize is the whole point is that exploration piece. I have never completed a list and now nine plus years of making mine. It's never been about the completion. It's not about markers of achievement. It's about you. Um, and my first list was made because I was not in a place where I was ready to make goals or resolutions that had been, um, a part of my life that I didn't feel like I could do because I had such perfectionistic standards about them in the past. I hadn't made goals and resolutions in years, but I still needed a push. I still needed a push to put myself on my own list of responsibilities. I needed a way to make sure that I was. Feeling like myself more regularly, that I had time for my own interests and hobbies or things I was curious about, but to do so in a way that was fun instead of pressure filled.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:03

Yes, so give us a little bit more of a picture about New Year's resolutions. This is something I talk about a lot. Why do they always tend to fail?

Monica Packer: 0:04

not planted in reality that you get put in a position of expending so much effort and so soon that you you pay a price, and that price could be your mental health, it could be your relationships, or you pay the price of failing at achieving it. Um, so, you know, that can be a tricky relationship for a lot of people. If it's working for them, then I say it's working for them. I think for most people, it doesn't, it doesn't, seem to work that well

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:05

My husband especially gets it from me. He would really like me to have that be a resolution. But, uh, you know, they don't have a specific path

Monica Packer: 0:06

Do Something List. We, we tend to find different things for different years. Save us. And that was the thing on my do something list that saved me for 2023. We tend to not think, oh, that's just something you do, but oftentimes, in order for us to have that time, we need to have, uh, it either be a habit in our lives, like, like a commitment and something that happens regularly, or we need to have other supportive habits that give us the time and energy we need to have time and energy for those other things. Um, Habit formation for me is one of the trickiest things out there because we think we all know what it takes. It's another one of those through osmosis. We just know, like we just know magically, like in order to form a habit you have the habit for 28 days. And if you do that habit the same way in the same day, time of day, and day after day, then you'll get the habit. we all think we know what it looks like to have the exercise habit, like we can all rattle off like the minimum, Oh, three days a week of 30 minutes of this. Like we know, we know, we all think we know what it means to be a meditator or to, to practice yoga to be a journaler, uh, to be a day planner, a meal planner. It's not about aspiring to be yourself. It's about aspiring to be who you think you're supposed to be. Okay. And that doesn't, and it doesn't work. And that's why the do something list can help you to explore who are you. So then you then know what goals you need to work on and what habits you actually want to prioritize. The way I want to change how we do habits is particularly so for women. And I know there may be some men listening and. This may apply to them as they're listening. So just listen with an open heart if that's, if that's you, for women in general, I, I found myself in both of them when I was working with for years is that we kept failing at these habit methods. And these were like the most up to date methods. Um, some elements could work for some women, but most of the women I was working with were failing and we had to really take a look at not them because I knew them really well by then. I'm all, you know, I'm a progress coach and I've coached them for over seven years now on their habits, identity and fulfillment. I knew these women well, I knew they were not lazy. Okay. I knew they were smart. I knew they were capable. I had seen the great growth they had made and the work they put into doing so. So I had to instead look at the methods we were using. And one of the big things I discovered is that all the methods we were learning from were written by men. And I don't, I don't discount them just because of that. But what we have to see is that they were simply missing information. And the information is that women's lives are different than men's lives. And this is science backed. This is not anecdotal. The big overarching reason that I like to teach about is invisible labor. A lot of us are more familiar with the mental load, right? That's one of the parts of invisible labor. labor is the often unseen, undervalued, and underpaid, if paid at all, task that, people perform that help keep households and communities and workplaces afloat that last piece, I always like to say, who plans your work parties? It's not about aspiring to be yourself. It's about aspiring to be who you think you're supposed to be. Okay. And that doesn't, and it doesn't work. And that's why the do something list can help you to explore who are you. So then you then know what goals you need to work on and what habits you actually want to prioritize. The way I want to change how we do habits is particularly so for women. And I know there may be some men listening and. This may apply to them as they're listening. So just listen with an open heart if that's, if that's you, for women in general, I, I found myself in both of them when I was working with for years is that we kept failing at these habit methods. And these were like the most up to date methods. Um, some elements could work for some women, but most of the women I was working with were failing and we had to really take a look at not them because I knew them really well by then. I'm all, you know, I'm a progress coach and I've coached them for over seven years now on their habits, identity and fulfillment. I knew these women well, I knew they were not lazy. Okay. I knew they were smart. I knew they were capable. I had seen the great growth they had made and the work they put into doing so. So I had to instead look at the methods we were using. And one of the big things I discovered is that all the methods we were learning from were written by men. And I don't, I don't discount them just because of that. But what we have to see is that they were simply missing information. And the information is that women's lives are different than men's lives. And this is science backed. This is not anecdotal. The big overarching reason that I like to teach about is invisible labor. A lot of us are more familiar with the mental load, right? That's one of the parts of invisible labor. labor is the often unseen, undervalued, and underpaid, if paid at all, task that, people perform that help keep households and communities and workplaces afloat that last piece, I always like to say, who plans your work parties? Okay. These are the things that by a big majority, women carry way more than men. Men do carry the invisible load too. In the United States, women spend four and a half hours a day on house and family management and men spend two. This is way better than a lot of places. for example, it's six hours to one hour. and a stay at home mom, you know, of many little kids, like it was across the board. So, what we had to do is form a new way of uh, create a new method for women to form habits specifically and not throwing the baby out with bath water with all the other methods written by men, because there were incredible elements, such as small habits, such as habit stacking that we could use, but how to look at habits in a different way and how to form them in a different way so that our habits actually stick Mm hmm. I mean, I could teach you this for six hours. So let me give you like a couple minute version of this. one way we could frame this is flexible habit formation. Now, I think a lot of people, when they hear flexible and habit, they think those things seem opposite. And because they can't do the exact habit in the exact same way at the exact same time, not only think they don't have the habit, they stop trying again, you know, or they have to, it's just that sheer effort requires a cost. So instead, what we need to do is change the way we see consistency. Consistency is doing your best most of the time over time. So our habits still live and die by consistency, but not the rigid perfection model of consistency we have. Doing your best is allowed to change season to season, even day to day. Your best will look different. So I'll explain how that looks on the habit in a moment. And also the, I, the goal is for consistency is more times than not. If you're doing something more times than not, then you do have a habit. Now, the way we get around the micro way of forming a habit, that's flexible is something I call a baseline. A lot of us start with the ideals, the ideal version of the habit we want. Like, Hey, it's Monday. That means I am now going to exercise. And even if their ideal seems reasonable, like I'm just going to go for a 30 minute walk. Like they're not like, I'm going to do a bootcamp one hour every day, six days a week. Mm hmm. I mean, I could teach you this for six hours. So let me give you like a couple minute version of this. one way we could frame this is flexible habit formation. Now, I think a lot of people, when they hear flexible and habit, they think those things seem opposite. And because they can't do the exact habit in the exact same way at the exact same time, not only think they don't have the habit, they stop trying again, you know, or they have to, it's just that sheer effort requires a cost. So instead, what we need to do is change the way we see consistency. Consistency is doing your best most of the time over time. So our habits still live and die by consistency, but not the rigid perfection model of consistency we have. Doing your best is allowed to change season to season, even day to day. Your best will look different. So I'll explain how that looks on the habit in a moment. And also the, I, the goal is for consistency is more times than not. If you're doing something more times than not, then you do have a habit. Now, the way we get around the micro way of forming a habit, that's flexible is something I call a baseline. A lot of us start with the ideals, the ideal version of the habit we want. Like, Hey, it's Monday. That means I am now going to exercise. And even if their ideal seems reasonable, like I'm just going to go for a 30 minute walk. Like they're not like, I'm going to do a bootcamp one hour every day, six days a week. And when women specifically, cause again, I, I teach women. So I apologize if this is like a man listening, this can apply to you too. When women first hear about the baseline, they're like, but that's not what I want. I'm like, I know if you want the ideal though, this is the way you're going to get there.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:15

This has been an expectation for so many years and so to decondition ourselves from this, I think that this is a very manageable pathway to that .Really kind of creating these flexible goals. And I completely agree that doing, making your frequency and duration as small as possible is the pathway towards it being the most sustainable way. you know, forming. And I think when you can fall back on something as tiny as two minutes, that's doable. And so most people can do it on most days, but you can also give yourself the grace when you don't have even that moment. And then if you have more time, great, it's bonus, bonus meditation time. Hooray.

Monica Packer: 0:17

It's Eve Brodsky. She's written the book Fair Play. Um, she's done a ton of research in this area. It's an incredible book. Um, there are so many like her though, who have studied this and wrote about it and have many ideas. I mean, obviously bigger things need to happen. Like, and I'm talking culturally, socially, uh, politically, like there are things that need to happen that way. And that's when it can feel so defeating because it's like, we are just working against a system that will never change. That's really important too. Habits are there to make you feel like yourself. Okay. So one of the most revolutionary things you can do is form habits that are just about you and taking care of you. Okay. So that's one, that's one of the ways we can change it. I truly believe that if women, if, if more women were on their own list, the world would change. I really believe that. So that's one. The second thing has to do with. You talked about you have to affirm the behavior. You have to have that positive reinforcement at the end. So the model I made for that is WTA. They change the way they see themselves. Okay. I told you about how women often have broken down in tears when they learn I'm not lazy. I'm a perfectionist. I have seen women dramatically change the way they see themselves because they now have a habit that sticks. And when we change the way we see ourselves, we also change what we know we are capable of and we can, we're able to do more. But the things that actually matter. Not just the things we're supposed to do. Okay. Um, so yeah, bigger things need to change, but we have to start right here. We have to start with what we can control. And those are two big things we can start with.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:20

That just means that you are putting all of your health and your wellness first, so that then you can teach it to others or impart it upon others. And I think that that is absolutely vital. And I think more, more and more women, especially are embracing this. I also think, and this is probably the topic of a much longer podcast, but I think that communication is everything. It is completely unfair. And that is what needs to be vocalized to your partner, to whoever you're dealing with, that this is a team effort. And if you can pull the team together, including children, how do we make this whole family healthier, better, you know, more functional? Gathering everybody's assistance. should be what's expected in a partnership, as opposed to this unequal distribution of labor, wearing down of the martyr mother and, you know, carrying that forward in the future. We don't need to be a part of that paradigm anymore. I really do think that men are on board with being equal partners. But we just need to communicate with them and get everybody on board and not be subject to this old stereotype that isn't serving anyone anymore.

Monica Packer: 0:23

Thanks for the opportunity to do that. I'm actually writing a book right now called Happy Habits, um, about this topic. I'm in the, I'm like, neck deep in the why women need to do habits differently. And I'm like, I don't know if this is the book that they will have signed up for, but we'll see.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:24

I think that that will lead to so much more flexibility, so much more ease, um, so much better mental health. So what you're doing out there is really, really important, and I'm just so glad to have been connected with you.