Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Reclaiming Identity, Rebuilding Trust & Choosing Healthy Love | ANEW Insight Ep 125

In this powerful and deeply human episode of The ANEW Insight Podcast, Dr. Supatra Tovar sits down with Women’s Life & Transformation Coach, Speaker & Author Rosie Aiello — a woman whose story moved the world, changed laws, and inspired a national movement of hope for women everywhere.

Rosie lived through 25 years of emotional, verbal, financial, and psychological abuse while living in the Middle East. For nearly two decades, she believed she had to endure it. She believed staying was safer than leaving. She believed her voice had no power. Until one day… her daughter looked at her and asked her to save both of them.

That moment became the turning point.

In this episode, Rosie shares how she secretly planned her escape for four months — while still living with her abuser — developing the internal courage and spiritual strength required to leave a life she once thought she was trapped inside forever. She opens up about the shame, isolation, conditioning, and survival responses that keep women stuck in abusive relationships. And she breaks down how painful cycles of manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, the “honeymoon phase,” and gaslighting fracture identity, erode intuition, and destroy self-trust.

Rosie also shares how rebuilding her life required building a new internal world — not rushing into new relationships, not bypassing pain, but instead doing the intensive emotional work of becoming whole again. She reveals how trauma therapy, nervous system regulation, mantras, boundaries, values work, and intentionally rebuilding her sense of self led her to reclaim her confidence, rebuild safety, and create a new life rooted in joy, respect, and sovereignty.

Rosie went on to co-found National Love Is Kind Day with her daughter — transforming her personal nightmare into a global mission to inspire 100 million women and children to believe they deserve safe, kind, reciprocal love.

This episode is for every woman who has ever questioned her worth, doubted her intuition, minimized her pain, or normalized mistreatment because she believed she did not deserve more.

Wants to  know more about Rosie Aiello here are her social media channels you can visit: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rosieaiello,  https://theloveiskindnetwork.com/rosie/,  https://www.facebook.com/TheRosieAiello/, https://www.instagram.com/rosieaiello_loveiskind/ 

If you are currently in an unsafe, controlling, or emotionally abusive dynamic — there is hope. Healing is possible. Freedom is possible. And your voice deserves to lead your life again.

#domesticabusesurvivor, #traumarecoveryforwomen, #anewinsightpodcast  #emotionalabusehealing, #narcissisticabusecycle, #gaslightingtrauma, #rebuildingconfidenceafterabuse,  #drsupatratovar #drtovar #supatratovar #rosieaiello #drt #anewinsight #depro

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Transcript

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:01

Rosie Aiello is a women's life and transformation coach, international speaker and bestselling author. After escaping a 25 year abusive relationship in the Middle East, she rebuilt her life from trauma to triumph. Today, Rosie empowers women to reclaim their voice, confidence, and joy while discovering the power of kind

Rosie Aiello: 0:02

She enjoys going to the bar! Our friends. And one time I found a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That book literally saved my life. It was like reading my autobiography. She unfortunately, she just passed away this this past year, earlier in the year. And I just couldn't believe it. It's like now all the pieces, like I thought I was going crazy. You know, when you're in these abusive relationships, you feel like you're doing everything wrong. It's, you're not good enough. You're just being put down sometimes physically, you know, I had it all. And at that time that I read the book, my daughter was 16 and I told her about it because I wanted to affirm to her that yeah, the way her father was treating her was not right. We grow up, we have to believe, oh, the father and the mother have to stick together to be able to, present a united front with their child. But I just felt it was not right. It was destroying her. Little did I know how much. So one day, years later, she was so 16, so she was almost 20 and a half, close to 21, and I, she charged up the stairs one day. No, mom. And I thought later, well, of course, another year of poison. Right? Another year of poison. So as far as the turning point, I mean, I would've never in a million years leave without my daughter no matter what. And custody issues in the Middle East are very complicated, and I would've lost her or worse, right? I want, I was gonna wait until she was 18 no matter what, but she came to me and I said. You know, it took four months. I planned the escape, but it. It transformed our lives. Right? It was, it took a lot of courage to do that, to plan something in internationally, somebody who works basically home 24 7. I had a live-in maid. It's like, I don't even know how I did it. I swear. It's just like God was watching. That's all I can say, because I had to hide and do this undercover for a long time, I was feeling the shame. I wanna state this because so many women had shame and the shame almost killed me, Supatra it was, I was so embarrassed, you know? I thought, oh this marriage has to work. You know, I have a family. I all the religious, we're gonna maybe go into that later, but it was just this shame. I was just drown. I was just drowning in it and didn't realize how devastating it's I just kept it. So in 25 years. Only three people knew in the United States, my brother and my two best friends. And then when I was planning the escape, I told two more friends in Lebanon because I needed their help. Five people were the only people who knew in 25 years. I kept it so much to myself. I didn't have it very much, but what goes in a woman's mind. He, most of it was verbal, but there was financial, there was sexual there was physical as well. physical part was maybe a couple of times, and it wasn't until I got here in the United States and what he did one time, he squeezed my arms so hard that it bruised. I mean, you could see his fingerprints on my hand. So he never slapped me. Oh, I should make that be okay. Right? He didn't slap me. You see the language that we can slip into, we make excuses. This is such a critical part. What women do is I did, I made excuses for all of his behavior. But I remember when we were first married, so I had left my family, my friends, my corporate career in Silicon Valley in finance, and I come over here and I'm sitting, he has me sit down and I swear he would lecture me for maybe anywhere from an hour to three hours pacing back and forth telling me why did you know? You're just you're, you don't think of me. You're rude. You're you're not nice to me. You're stupid. You Just like you don't do anything right. You know, you shouldn't have done this. You shouldn't have done that. And it's this like. I learned, again, I didn't know this was a survival technique. I finally learned that if I spoke up, it was like adding fuel to the fire and then he would just scream even more. And I was just, I had never been treated like this in my life. I just was just like, oh my God. But I don't have a support. He had a small little engineering company. I did anything that had to do with financial or numbers or whatever. I never got paid. I never got anything until, I don't know, maybe it was six years later, seven years later. I can't remember now. Then he finally decided to pay me, but then he decided what to do with my check. So one time this story popped up in my mind. We went to, we were in Lebanon, so we went to a Christmas. Concert, which wasn't too far from our house, but we lived up in the mountains, so it was cold and it was in December. And we, he had parked the car kind of close to a wall, and my daughter, and he got in and he just had to pull out the car so I could get in. Well, he pulled out the car and then he just left. And my daughter is in the backseat now. I never sit in the backseat. I always sit in the front seat. My daughter is saying, mom is not here. Mom's not here. He goes, oh, stop lying. Mom is here. You're just fooling with me. Right. There's a look on your face, like, how can it be you're, it's just like so out of whack Her mother. He's got all these wonderful, great qualities. It's like, geez, you know what's wrong with you, Rosie? No one, no, no one's perfect. You are not perfect. You know, myself, speaking of, you know, the way, so we start to use this dialogue to justify our relationship with this person who was treating us poorly, but not all the time. I tell, I don't know if this is gonna be in video. Yeah. I don't

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:13

Yes. More so than the good person. Honestly, I think the good person is a mask and it is a way to continue controlling the person, keeping them off balance and keeping them in the relationship.

Rosie Aiello: 0:14

Right? I remember before I got married, I remember feeling something in my gut, but I ignored it. I didn't know that was part of it too, right? there were signs of my intuition, but I didn't know anything. And then because of how he was treating me, my outer voice was squelched. So it was like, I'm just this little mouse. So there was, you know, and I recognize this later I didn't identify it, but at the time there was that little thin thread running through my brain Supatra that was saying, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve this. And what I did do which is when I was planning the escape, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but it's gonna sound normal for people who are like me or how I was is like, I felt so guilty planning this escape. It didn't matter he how he treated me or my daughter. The guilt, right? The guilt from everything around me that I created these mantras. Now, I didn't know what a mantra was back then. I learned that word after I came back to the United States, started taking self development courses and taking coaching classes and all of that. But this is what I said to myself to keep me going. I must have said it a hundred times a day as I was planning this escape. I don't deserve to be a, I don't have to be a martyr. I don't have to be a martyr. That was huge to overcome the thinking that you just stay in this marriage no matter how you're treated. I realized that was important to me. I don't have to be a martyr. My daughter and I deserve a joyful relationship and a happy life. And I said those I just, thousands of time. By the time I did it, it was, it kept me going. So there was, you know, and I recognize this later I didn't identify it, but at the time there was that little thin thread running through my brain Supatra that was saying, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve this. And what I did do which is when I was planning the escape, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but it's gonna sound normal for people who are like me or how I was is like, I felt so guilty planning this escape. It didn't matter he how he treated me or my daughter. The guilt, right? The guilt from everything around me that I created these mantras. Now, I didn't know what a mantra was back then. I learned that word after I came back to the United States, started taking self development courses and taking coaching classes and all of that. But this is what I said to myself to keep me going. I must have said it a hundred times a day as I was planning this escape. I don't deserve to be a, I don't have to be a martyr. I don't have to be a martyr. That was huge to overcome the thinking that you just stay in this marriage no matter how you're treated. I realized that was important to me. I don't have to be a martyr. My daughter and I deserve a joyful relationship and a happy life. And I said those I just, thousands of time. By the time I did it, it was, it kept me going. But then almost immediately we got help. We both went to trauma therapists. It just, I'm a big believer in you cannot do this work alone. You need support. Whether I wasn't in a group, it wasn't really accessible to me, but I was, had the private therapist and that was the beginning, then I was of the belief that I was open to trying anything that I didn't think would hurt me. You know, I wasn't into drugs or, alcohol or No. Yeah. And what's, I just I tried hypnotherapy past life, reggressions, trying to understand myself. There was a whole, I read a ton of books. I'm not a therapist and nowhere near the level of you are, but I have read so much that I probably could be a quasi one, you know what I mean? Because I wanted to understand why you wanna validate. Part of it too was like, how did I get into this? Right, but it's a long story for that. But those were the first things was just taking care of myself and when we landed, it was in the beginning or the middle of the great recession. So things were just wild and crazy then too, somebody who had been out of the market.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:19

That's the most important therapeutic outcome. Like they've shown that it doesn't matter what the therapist practices, as long as you have a connection with your therapist and you feel safe with your therapist and then to process through trauma because it is significant, especially when you've experienced abuse.

Rosie Aiello: 0:20

this was, we were working on our website, on our business, and our coach said, oh, you know, you can have a day, you know, the San Diego can have recognized Love is Kind Day. I go, oh, okay. So, I gave that assignment to my daughter and for the city? No way. She went national, you know, so she, so we created National Love Is Kind Day, and it's, the date is July 27th and that is the date we landed in San Francisco International Airport. So for us, thank you. It represented our physical freedom and it represents the, you know, women's physical freedom from abuse. It represents that the. Our mission, which you had said before, which is of inspiring and impacting a hundred million women and their children to release the shackles of abuse, to know that they deserve to be treated with kindness, that they can create a productive and joyful life. And if they so desire to find a kind love of their life. And this has just been. People love the mission. People I didn't. I wasn't no, no respect, nothing. And it's just like, I just was please, I want kindness. Part of the title too was inspired by Mother Teresa. This is not an exact quote, but this is the essence of what she has shared was if you invite me to an anti-war rally, I will not go there. If you invite me for a pro peace to a peace rally, I will be there. I wanted something to show what is it that we want to go forward to move forward into something, not against what we don't want. I didn't call it the How to Get Out of Your Toxic Relationship thing. You know, maybe that would've gotten more hits from people because they're looking for that, Negative energy begets negative energy. I, it's as I even say that, my stomach feels upset.

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:22

Oh my gosh. I agree . Well gimme you use a phrase called Kind Love as the core theme for your work. How do you define Kind Love, and why is it so transformative for women coming out of these abusive relationships?

Rosie Aiello: 0:23

You know, I had to control you 'cause you were outta control. And it's too triggering for women. Kind love, real love is. Kind love is using kindness, mutual respect, understanding each other, being open, being compassionate, being empathetic. And it's a dialogue. It's. He would say, oh, you're not a good partner. Well, I realize I'm not a good partner because he was just for him, he was the team captain and I was just the pawn. Obviously we don't have the next 10 hours right to go through this. I did the work Supatra, you know, women's. Some women will just like, oh, they're out. And then they go into another relationship, It was new to me, and oh, I know the big one was, oh, you have to take Responsib. You know you're responsible. That was a, it was like, you're responsible. I go, I was responsible for him abusing me? So I had to work on that. And until I learned, oh, I'm not responsible for what he did, but I'm responsible for how I'm gonna live my life,

Dr. Supatra Tovar: 0:26

Yeah. And I think it's really important too that people understand that people pleasing is a trauma response. Every person. Every person is worthy, worthwhile. You are as well. You can start to rebuild that confidence and I think that is so beautiful. But we're out of time for this half of this podcast and I cannot wait to delve into more of our questions because Rosie, you are inspirational to people and I'm really hoping that this gets out there to anybody who might be struggling in an abusive relationship.